Doing the Old Man Shuffle
I’ve recently taken up jogging again. Well I use the term jogging rather optimistically. I would say jalking, a fast pace somewhere between a walk and a jog, but again I feel this conjures up pictures of refined movement. What I do is much more akin to doing the old man shuffle.
You know what I’m talking about right? We’ve all been out and seen that old person who is still out exercising despite the fact they look like they’re one step away from falling flat on their face (good on them for still getting out!). As much as I hate to admit it, I fall in to that category. But it gets worse because not only do I do the old man shuffle, I’m probably the only person on the planet doing the old man shuffle who is under 80. I’m basically one of those members who doesn’t meet the normal club requirements but is given honorary membership for outstanding work in the field.
What does the old man shuffle look like? Well imagine a person (who is not old) moving at a slightly-faster-than-a-walk pace, puffing like they’re about to take their last breath, bright red faced, feet dragging with each step and leaning at such an angle to the ground, that you wonder how they stay upright. I can tell you the only thing keeping me upright is Rei Baby’s pram. That thing (which btw is a Baby Jogger and the best investment ever, and no, I didn’t get paid to say that) is pretty much a pimped up walking frame. I’m quite certain that without it, I’d fall flat on my face.
Interestingly enough, according to Runkeeper, all this extra exertion equates to about .02 kilometres an hour. What the what? I’d give up the old man shuffle on principle alone, but it puts my heart rate through the roof which is great for burning some calories.
So a few times a week, Rei Baby and I up get up then go out for some old man shuffling. Not all the way though. Because the shuffle is hard work. The whole time it’s a mighty struggle for me to shuffle from block to block, with a constant inner dialogue of “just get to the corner. Just get to the corner. Just get to the corner. Just get to the corner. Corner!” Then I can walk for the next block.
Another great thing about doing the old man shuffle, are the conversations you strike up with actual old people.
“Oh I heard you coming.” Really? How could you miss my panting breath, with feet dragging across concrete, all the while my aluminium water bottle is clanging against the handle of my walking frame/pram.
“I see you’re one of these sporty Mums.” Jokes on you buddy, because you just fell for the old sporty walker = sporty Mum trick. I mean pram.
“They didn’t make prams like that when I had babies.” What are you blind? It’s a walker! Can’t you see this is the only thing keeping me upright?
The view though, is amazing. It definitely makes it worth doing the old man shuffle. Even if I might stumble at any moment. I’m also pretty sure that if a Zombie Apocalypse comes, I’ll be safe as long as I’m doing the old man shuffle. I’ll blend right in…
What about you? Do you have a weird jogging style or sport technique? Maybe you’re a psychotic grunter or a boisterous bouncer… Tell me all about it